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Definitions of an Adult Nature

beer monkey n. A mythical simian creature which, during a drunken slumber, sneaks into your bed, ruffles your hair, steals your money and shits in your mouth.

beer mugger n. The man you discover has hit you over the head and taken £35 out of your wallet the morning after you “nip out for a couple of pints”.

butterface n. A woman with a great figure, but the face of a darts player’s wife. From the phrase “A good body, but her face…”

‘change at Baker Street’ v. During intercourse, to decide to play the B-side. From the only station on the London Underground where it is possible to change from the Pink line (Hammersmith & City) to the Brown line (Bakerloo).

clown’s pie n. A very, very wet fanny. “Finding ourselves alone in the shooting lodge at Balmoral, Her Majesty bade me to descend to her ladygarden. After 50 years of widowhood, I found her to be considerably aroused. It was like being hit in the face with a clown’s pie”. (from “The Memoirs of Queen Victoria’s Ghyllie” by John Brown).

petal dick n. A gentleman drinker who requires the toilet before his fifth pint. A shandy pants, shandy pandy.

cock lodger n. A bloke who lives in his partner’s house without paying rent.

stroke the dog thro’ the letterbox euph. To slide your hand down the front of a lady’s knickers.

swagman’s hat n. medic. Condition of the anus when infested with numerous tagnuts. “Holmes surveyed the lavatory cubicle before announcing, ‘the game is afoot, Watson, and our quarry has a bandy legged gait’.'How the devil do you know that?’ I exclaimed.’Elementary, my dear fellow. The Izal toilet paper means he will almost certainly have a ringpiece like a swagman’s hat’ (from The Red Ringed League by Sir Arthur Conan-Doyle)

wet the baby’s head v. To have intercourse with a woman who has a bun in the oven. “And so it was that Mary and Joseph came to an inn in Bethlehem. And Mary was heavy with child and the innkeeper spake unto them saying, Behold, there is no room at the inn. And Joseph replied unto him saying, Yea, we have travelled from Nazareth, and my wife is heavy with child, and I have a great need to wet the baby’s head. And he gave unto the innkeeper a wink. And lo the wink was cheeky.” (from St. Matthew, Ch2 v 14-16).

tammy huff n. A monthly feminine mood swing. A blob strop

shaking like a flatpack wardrobe sim. descriptive of the female equivalent of vinegar strokes.

piss sauna n. All-enveloping fog of urine steam in an outside pub lavatory on a cold winter’s evening.

gypsy’s eyelash n. The rogue clock spring in the Jap’s eye that causes the piss to go everywhere but in the bog. Common cause of pan smile or Queen Mum’s grin.

full English breakfast n. A very untidy vagina that is frankly too much to face first thing in the morning.

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